Tonight I blog about a very close friend of mine, whom happens to be my housemate. Although I’m sure if you asked her she would say that I moved into HER house..which technically is true, but considering my bedroom is infact slightly larger than hers it would seem that I inhabit more of the house than her. For those of you who know Elise Launer, you will also know that she is fondly addressed as ‘Eloise’, ‘Bambi’, ‘Shitbrick’ among other loving pet names and has by far one of the fussiest palates in the Southern Hemisphere. Her cooking repotoire exists of few dishes, not because she can’t cook, but because she just HATES everything. The few dishes she does enjoy include
- Chicken Caesar Salad
- BBQ
- Jatz
- BBQ
- Stir Fry*
- BBQ
- Chicken in a Bag
- BBQ
- 1kg buckets of Trolli lollies (considered a meal)
- Zappi (also considered a meal)
- Did I mention BBQ?
- Carrot (Has been known to eat 6 in a sitting)
- Iceburg Lettuce (none of this fancy shit please)
- Tasty Cheese
- Cucumber
- Taiggans Roast Potato’s (keeping us slim since 2008)
- Ham and Cheese Pizza with BBQ Sauce
- Mutton Rolls
- BBQ
- Chicken Curry Pasta (If desperate)
*Stirfry – Chicken must be cooked for 5 hours to ensure the bird is infact dead. Vegetables allowed are snowpeas, capsicuam and carrot only heated for less than 25 seconds to ensure crispness remains as Eloise HATES cooked veggies.
Although this list appears large, by the time you rotate the meals around weekly Eloise is often struggling to find something new and exciting to cook. In a recent conversation a serious and beckoning question was posed to the young Marine Biologist ‘What is your favourite food?’, we asked…..her immediate response was ‘BBQ’…..ummm WHATTTTT?!? What does that mean exactly; do you physically enjoy the taste of the grill, the steel, the gas bottle? Ofcourse we knew she meant Steak, Steak, Hamburgers, Kebabs and more Steak. The best part of living with Eloise is when you decide that you are going to cook something exotic…like toast..with cheese on top…no doubt she will sniff your near burnt bread….make her way into the kitchen, watch you cut her cheese (I cut it crooked on purpose) and ask ‘WHATS THAT?’ to which you reply ‘TOAST’….to which you will hear back ‘LOOKS WEIRD’…ofcourse it does, OFCOURSE IT DOES. Actually a great example I have of Eloise commenting on an exotic meal occurred not to long ago. After a hefty 2 hour day of Uni I decided on having a beautiful Thai Laksa for dinner. No sooner had I fried off some garlic and added some Laksa paste into the pan did I hear ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL’…will Eloise trundeling in from her bedroom. ‘Oh it’s just a thai curry’ I probably replied…’LOOKS LIKE ROAD KILL’ was the response I got. Oh goodie. Cannot wait to eat my road kill. Things only got better when I added my seafood marinara to the dish prompting a near gag reflex from Eloise. I think I glared at her a few times and she eventually made her way in front of the TV, where she probably blamed me for the shitty reception preventing her from watching Bondi Rescue. I finished my dish off with a nice garnish of coriander and sat and ate my delicious road kill next to her on the couch. Smiling.
eloise's one true love
My favourite quote from Eloise this week:
On discussing marriage -
'Knowing me I will serve schnitzels at my Reception…'
Golly gosh I can’t wait for that event.
I once had the Hellish Housemate. It started out well, and just kept getting worse, eventually reaching the point where she left a chicken carcass on the bench, for an entire weekend, while I wasn't at home. Twice.
ReplyDeleteAfter the second time, wherein I tore her a new orifice, she left bacon on the bench from her breakfast. I came home, at 7pm after a really long day at work to find fucking bacon fucking rind on the bench. Then, she got pissed at me when I put the bacon in her pillowcase, and closed her door before lighting ascented candle to kill the smell in the rest of the house.